Dodging the bullet
by cein
Summary: Ianto has something important to say to Jack tissue alert


Title: Dodging the bullet  
Author: Ceindreadh  
Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto  
Word Count: Approx 1,100  
Rating: T  
Genre: Angst  
Summary: Ianto has something he needs to say to Jack

Warning: May need tissues. Un-beta'ed, and written mostly after midnight.  
Notes: An idea that's been kicking around in my head for a while, so time to kick it out. Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them, and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.

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"You know, we really dodged a bullet today," mumbled Ianto, tiredly. He was lying face down, head pillowed on Jack's chest, eyes closed as he breathed in the warm scent beneath him.

"Funny," said Jack, "I thought the reason you were wrapped in bandages was because you *hadn't* dodged it."

Ianto's hand pinched Jack's side. "Twpsyn, that's not what I was talking about." His right leg shifted involuntarily, pulling at the stitches beneath the dressing. "A few inches to the side, it would have hit the artery instead of being just a flesh wound. I'd have bled out before you could done anything." He felt the sharp intake of breath even as Jack's arms tightened around him, almost painful in their grip.

"Don't say things like that."

"Why?" Ianto rubbed his stubbly cheek against Jack's chest. "It's true. I could have died out there today, and not just today." He opened his eyes, and tilted his head just enough to catch Jack's gaze. "And it made me realize that there are some things I need to say..."

"You're tired, injured," said Jack, looking away. "We'll talk when you're not doped up on painkillers. Go to sleep."

"I know you don't like to talk about it," continued Ianto, as if Jack hadn't interrupted. "But you can't keep avoiding the issue forever. Sooner or later...probably sooner, given the work we do..."

"No," said Jack, "We are not having this conversation, not now." A finger on his lips silenced him.

"It's been empirically proven that ignoring an issue is not a successful method of ensuring its failure to occur. Conversely, discussing the matter is not going to make it happen any sooner." He took a deep breath before continuing, "Jack, one day I'm going to die, and for a few minutes back there, I thought it was going to be this day. And I was running through a list in my head, mentally checking off whether all my affairs were up to date, and I realized that if I didn't care whether my bank account was overdrawn, if there was dry cleaning to pick up, if we were running short on coffee beans. All I could think about was how I was going to be leaving you behind with so much unsaid." Ianto's hand moved to cup Jack's cheek. "I know you don't want to talk about it, to think about it even, but I saw what it did to you, losing Tosh and Owen, and I don't think it's vanity on my part to assume that you'll be equally devastated when my time comes."

"And you think that somehow talking about it now is going to make it any easier? Ianto, right here, right now, I can't even imagine my life without you. I don't *want* to imagine it. I can't even begin to think about how I'll survive without you!"

"But you will." Ianto's voice was calm and soothing, his thumb rubbing comforting circles against Jack's cheek. "Time will pass and you'll survive, and more importantly, you'll move on."

"Do you really think I'm that fickle? That after losing you, that I could just pick up and find someone else?"

"I did." Ianto could feel Jack tense up even more, and knew that he was heading into dangerous territory. This was one subject that they didn't discuss, ever. Not that either of them would have admitted to avoiding the matter, oh no. If questioned, they would have professed surprise that the subject had never come up. Neither of them would ever have given voice to the mental gymnastics they'd each gone through at various times in order to keep a conversation running smoothly by avoiding that particular bump in the road.

"Once upon a time I was in love with somebody that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine a time when we weren't going to be together. And then she died, and, and I thought that I would die as well, because I didn't believe that I could live without her. And then I hated myself because I found that I *was* able to survive without her. The first night I fell asleep without crying...the first time I laughed at a joke on the radio...I hated myself, I thought I must be the most selfish person in the world for having the nerve to be happy while she was dead. But that's what we do. We live and we love and yes, we lose the ones we love. But we survive, and if we live long enough, and we're lucky, then maybe we'll love again." Ianto crawled up Jack's body until he was able to kiss him on the lips. "I don't know whether it's a blessing or a curse that you'll always live long enough to move on, but what I want you to know, what I *need* you to know, is that I don't mind, I won't mind. I don't want you to feel guilty for living. I don't ever want you to feel guilty for loving again."

Jack could feel a lump rising in his throat as he reached for Ianto's hand, clasping it against his heart. "Some days I don't know what I did to deserve you Ianto Jones."

"Only *some* days? I'll have to rectify that." Ianto rubbed his cheek against Jack. "You have done so much for Torchwood, this whole planet, for me as well. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you."

"I'll never find anyone like you, no matter how long I live," said Jack, sighing heavily.

"Good," said Ianto, "The last thing I want, the last thing you *need* is a futile attempt to try and recreate what we had. It wouldn't be fair on you, certainly not on any future partner you might have. And by the way, I expect it to be far future. I have no intention of dying soon, and of course you'll have to observe a proper period of mourning." He nuzzled against Jack's neck, his next words half muffled and tired, "Otherwise I'll have to come back and haunt you!" His breathing slowed as he drifted off into sleep.

Jack kissed the top of Ianto's head. "If I thought it would bring you back to me," he said softly, "I'd hook up with somebody over your cooling corpse. But I promise you Ianto Jones, for as long as we have together, after your death, I will mourn you for at least that long before moving on."

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Seventy six years, eight months and twenty days later, Captain Jack Harkness smiled a smile he hadn't smiled in almost forty years, and said "Hi, Captain Jack Harkness, and you are?"

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The End


End file.
